AlisonAgosti: Keep your friends close and your enemies inside of you.
AlisonAgosti: Keep your friends close and your enemies inside of you.
View ArticleDearAnyone: Hey, people who wait in line at stores. You can buy stuff online...
DearAnyone: Hey, people who wait in line at stores. You can buy stuff online now. Stop going outside.
View Articlerobdelaney: Now's a great time to write down your goals for 2012 on your face...
robdelaney: Now's a great time to write down your goals for 2012 on your face & then go downtown & tell a cop you're the Prime Minister of Pizza.
View Articlejuliussharpe: "And that's when this magic carpet ride turned into a tragic...
juliussharpe: "And that's when this magic carpet ride turned into a tragic carpet ride" - early Arabian newscast.
View ArticleGaryJanetti: Just so you know, I don't care if you're pregnant.
GaryJanetti: Just so you know, I don't care if you're pregnant.
View Articlescullymike: Just made fun of ridiculous Cenegenics commercial, then quietly...
scullymike: Just made fun of ridiculous Cenegenics commercial, then quietly wrote down phone number.
View ArticleCyrilStardust: @thesulk god, you totally suck. like really. that is amazingly...
CyrilStardust: @thesulk god, you totally suck. like really. that is amazingly lame.
View ArticleGaryJanetti: I wish I was good looking enough for people to think I was stupid.
GaryJanetti: I wish I was good looking enough for people to think I was stupid.
View ArticleGaryJanetti: Ketchup is the Tom Hanks of the food world.
GaryJanetti: Ketchup is the Tom Hanks of the food world.
View Articlescullymike: When reporting tragic stories, Hawaiian newscasters should wear...
scullymike: When reporting tragic stories, Hawaiian newscasters should wear more somber flowered shirts and leis.
View ArticleMisterBrewster: Why does Dad hate me, Siri?
MisterBrewster: Why does Dad hate me, Siri?
View Articlenationallampoon: Nice to see LA taking a break from taking a break.
nationallampoon: Nice to see LA taking a break from taking a break.
View ArticleChelseaVPeretti: I'm gonna be on Conan next week jk
ChelseaVPeretti: I'm gonna be on Conan next week jk
View ArticleGaryJanetti: My favorite exercise at the gym is judging.
GaryJanetti: My favorite exercise at the gym is judging.
View ArticleGaryJanetti: If Meryl Streep is such a good actress how come she's not in...
GaryJanetti: If Meryl Streep is such a good actress how come she's not in "New Year's Eve"?
View ArticleGaryJanetti: I wish I was born in England so I sounded like a gentleman and...
GaryJanetti: I wish I was born in England so I sounded like a gentleman and not just gay.
View Articlebenjgoldenberg: @thesulk The clergywoman was by far the most attractive in...
benjgoldenberg: @thesulk The clergywoman was by far the most attractive in the tavern. Bar nun.
View ArticleDannyZuker: There's nothing worse than child abuse but a close second is when...
DannyZuker: There's nothing worse than child abuse but a close second is when someone describes an actor's performance as "courageous."
View Articlerobdelaney: Amazing how animals can "sense" that an earthquake is coming, or...
robdelaney: Amazing how animals can "sense" that an earthquake is coming, or that your penis is inside them.
View ArticleGaryJanetti: Woke up screaming from that nightmare where I'm 44 again.
GaryJanetti: Woke up screaming from that nightmare where I'm 44 again.
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